Thursday, August 27, 2009

looking forward

As the start of school draws closer each day, I've been experiencing a torrent of emotions. I've had some pretty major highs as I think the all the possibilities that will be open to me...silly things to most, I'm sure, but to me they seem very exciting. We're talking simple things, like planning meals and actually having time to prepare them during the day, and having the house to myself for at least an hour or so every day while Luke naps. The thought of not having to break up fights every five minutes, and actually having time to sit down and color or read with Luke - just for fun! There's also the positives that, while probably will not be an easy adjustment for me, I think I and my family are desperately in need of, such as getting up early and having to stick to a stricter schedule.

However, all of this has also brought some realities that have caused me some intense sadness, like realizing this year will be my last of having any real 'little' ones...i.e. - preschool age - at home. Where did the time go??? When I think back to my days of 'dreaming' of being a mommy, it always included little ones running around and being with me all day. Though to others, you may hear this and think "Well,'ve actually been leaving those days for a while now...", it hasn't felt very noticeable since the kids were always still around. Don't days of diaper changing and nursing and bottles and pacifiers weren't all sunshine and roses...many times I felt like tearing my hair out...but, it still feels deeply sad to me to be saying goodbye to that season in such a final and dramatic way. I guess there are benefits to seeing your kids head off to school one at a time...seems like maybe it eases a mom into the reality more. I feel like I'm getting smacked in the face with it. Again....for the most part I'm very excited to see my kids go off and enter a new phase...I'm thrilled at all the possibilities that await them. And I enjoy my kids more and more with every year older they get. So it's not that I'm wishing they stay little; it's more realizing how quickly time slips away that makes me sad.

While it may seem I've rambled on about this, the reality is that it's only scratched the surface of the thoughts and emotions that have been coursing through me the past few weeks. The thought of changing seasons is interesting...while I LOVE the change of the weather-related seasons, and am always ready to experience and enjoy the new ones as they come, I can't say I'm so thrilled to view life-seasons in the same way. But I'm trying to learn this: life's season changes will come, and I have a choice what to do with them. I can live always looking back, remembering the good and forgetting the bad (which is my natural tendency) and wishing for 'the good old days', or I can stay forward looking, keeping in mind that I only have this time right now, so make the most of it, for it too will soon slip through my fingers. I'm trying to make a pointed effort to do the latter.

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