But something went terribly, terribly awry. Maybe it started with the kids bickering like crazy this morning. Maybe it was the fact that after I stressed, planned, calculated, and drove all over creation for this luncheon at my husband's work (which I was asked to do by one of the other managers, albeit, given a 'no pressure to say yes' clause...but wanted to be the happy, helpful wife) only to find out all the guys went golfing instead of showing up for the shin-dig; maybe it was all kinds of detail stuff that is related to our new church building falling into my lap (because there's no other laps available), maybe it was kids complaining about dinner/lack of munchies/what-are-we-doing-tonight-can-we-have-friends-over-why-can't-we-go-out-to-eat....or maybe it was finding out the dreadful reality of how ridiculously long it's going to take to get our bathroom done. My guess is that it was the accumulation of those things...and a plethora of other things that have been piling on me...that finally broke this camel's back.
Emotions towards all sorts of circumstances and people that I've been keeping somewhat at bay overtook me, and it got ugly around here. REALLY ugly. I'm oh-so-thankful that no one was home but me. I mean, aside from the fact that I'm sure I looked like a raving lunatic, it just would not have been a good example for the children...or anyone impressionable, or...well,...sane, to see. I can't even give you any more details than this, because I know you would even judge me as unfit and/or insane.
In my still-seething aftermath, thoughts of guilt of what God must think of all this display have started to plague my mind. But then a verse that I read earlier this week came back to me, and was very comforting...and I can oddly identify, to a very small degree, with the person who said it. It was Hagar, in what is one of the more disturbing to me Old Testament stories. You can read it yourself in Genesis 16 if you like, but the long and short of my particular point is this....Hagar was ticked., and she'd had it. She was 'out'. I mean...like, really ticked, in the sense that the word 'ticked' isn't even the one I want to use, but I'm afraid of offended my more 'sensitive' readers. But she was done...D.O.N.E. kind of done. And today...yeah, I can related. Sick of it all. And yet in that very state, God speaks to her. And he doesn't even have nice, comforting words, in my opinion. What he says, frankly, sucks. But this is real life people...and the foundation of all this is...He's not leaving her. Even in her down-and-out-ugliest-state...God still shows up. Here is her response...and mine, to the events of this day.
"She gave this name to the LORD who spoke to her: “You are the God who sees me,” for she said, “I have now seen the One who sees me.” ~Genesis 16:13
Yep, that's it. This is it, God...this is the real me. It's ugly, I know. But it's real, and it's all I've got.
And frankly, He already knows that, and He'll take me this way. Isn't that a beautiful thing?