I've been thinking tonight about how there are so many things in life that I want. Well, not necessarily all "things" in the sense of material possessions...but a dreams, ambitions, goals... Some of those include certain 'things'. I've also begun wondering how realistic...or unrealistic some of them are. I've started thinking maybe I should 'organize' my dreams...and make a plan. Think about how to realistically work toward making some of them a reality, and working on letting go of the rest. It's not easy...at least for me...because by nature, I am not a very 'intentional' person. You might remember me saying this before...I tend to live life as it comes at me. Sometimes that's a good thing...being spontaneous can be a lot of fun. (Though, more often than not, it just stresses Todd out). But it also doesn't exactly work well when it comes to trying to get from point A to point B.
At this point I'd like to say that it's also quite possible that I'm totally over-thinking this. I'm really tired, as I write this, and have been wrestling with a mix of emotions of joy at the realization of some of the awesome blessings in my life, and utter frustration and disappointment over some things that I really, really want and just don't seem they will ever be in reach.
Examples of both of these deep heart's desires would be...
On the joyful side, our new church home. We are absolutely loving having a place for our church family to settle and and all share in taking 'ownership' (not literally, as we are just leasing for the time being)...but everyone plugging in and beginning to have a chance to use their gifts and talents to make it a warm and welcoming place, both physically speaking, and as a group of people that I see welcoming newcomers. Seeing God's hand in all of that makes me feel happier than I can even say.
On the frustration side is seeing the house that we were looking into...what would have been my absolute dream property on every level...one that every.single.member of our family so badly wanted and could envision ourselves in...gone. We looked from every angle...and while we didn't see a way, we were praying that God would make a way...but it appears it was not meant to be. Many people offered kind words of encouragement and reassurance...reminding me that God's plans are best...and that he probably has something 'better'...but even after a couple weeks, my heart can't see it, and I'm still deeply mourning what could have been, and what I have trouble believing ever will be.
It's a crazy place to be, between such extreme polar opposite emotions at the same time. But thankfully, my head keeps reminding my heart that I cannot live by my emotions, and so I'm back to thinking what I can do to be intentional during this time. And what I'm thinking is that I'm going to take some time to really examine my desires...and pray for wisdom about which ones are God-given, and which ones might just be something else...and if I can nail down the something else ones, I'll start asking for grace to let them go.
Do you have any deep heart desires that you are holding out hope for? Any dreams you've decided to let go of?