it's a saga...be warned...

For the past little while, well, since the kids went back to school (and they're all there full day for the first time!) I've been trying to do some brainstorming about job options for myself.  Before I was full time mommy, I was a secretary and then an office manager.  And, I think I was pretty good at it too (if i do say so myself).  I enjoyed the feeling of competency that I had, and the fact that my employers and co-workers had full confidence in me and entrusted me with a lot of  responsibility.  But then, when my babies came, there was just no contest...I wanted to be home with them.  And I am oh so thankful that God has always provided for us and I was able to stay home with them.  But now, as they grow and our circumstances continue to change, my mind is wandering with the possibilities of what I can or should be doing. 

Of course, my first and foremost priority is still my husband and family.  My husband's input on the matter is that he still (as I do as well) wants me available for the kids as needed...which means able to be available for them on sick days, days off school, or possibly during the day for school events and such throughout the day.  He also wants to know that I'm not too overloaded to be able to keep our household running smoothly.  Ha...I chuckle, even as I type that, because, let's be real...I wouldn't use the word 'smooth' to describe anything about our family!  I mean, this IS me we're talking about...but, I digress.  You get the general idea...he doesn't want us SO crazy that we spin off into outer space. 

That type of flexibility is pretty hard to come by, except in jobs that I really feel like are I am completely NOT cut out for.  (For instance, I did direct sales once...sold Partylite...and while I loved the company and it's products, I pretty much hated EVERYTHING else about the job.)  So, it's been pretty easy for me to rule out those types of things that I just know aren't what I'm looking for.  They're not 'me'.  Kudos to all the sales people out there...goodness knows I could never do what you do!!

I've thought about babysitting and cleaning houses.  I'm not entirely opposed to them, and they probably would afford me the flexibility I need.  But...well, have ya met me?  Um...I pretty much hate cleaning, and...well, let's just say after 15 years, I'm kind of appreciating the non-child-consumed hours in my day.  I'm not quite there with feeling ready to jump back into toddlers, diapers and temper tantrums full time.  (Though, I'm staying open, because, hey...at least I know I have experience in those jobs!!)

(Here's the real 'heart' of this post.)  But I've decided to try to expand my thinking.  This is really hard for me, because I tend to have a bad mindset, thinking "things work for others, but not for me..." or "that's just unrealistic".  I mean, I'll be the first to admit, I'm a dreamer...but I feel like so often my plans sort of flop, or don't turn out the way I envisioned, and I give up pretty easily.  But I think, on many levels God is working on me...changing my heart and transforming my mind...and I'm pretty certain this kind of thinking is one thing he wants me to address. 

As a family, we have some decisions and choices and possibilities ahead of us.  Definitely, one of the situations is this whole job thing.  Another is a house that we'd really, really like to buy, but seems just out of reach.  There's things going on with our kids, our church...pretty much, seemingly, every area of life at the moment!  So much of moving forward, I believe, is tied to my attitude, mindset and approach to things.  It's about quite a lot more than just making some extra cash.  This is really an internal thing, I think.

As I watch others succeed and 'go for it' in many things around me, I have battled quite a lot some very negative thinking.  "Why don't things ever go easy for US?"  "Why does everyone else get help, but not us?"  "When will WE catch a break?"  I know, deep down, these things aren't even true.  Not in the least...God has been very good to us.  But I struggle to keep my eyes on HIM as my provider I guess, and to look to see Him provide in ways I might not have expected or thought possible.  And so, I'm on this journey of trying to breakthrough ceilings of thought that I have for years banged my head on.  Somewhere deep inside, I believe God wants us to prosper...now, don't get your feathers in a fuss...I'm not saying God wants us to be rich and frivolous...but I think he wants to equip us with the things we need to do the things He's called us to do.  To learn to hear and obey his leadings.  To not live in a constant state of struggling and striving.  To be who he has created us to be, doing the things he created us to do...  Uh...easier said than done, I know....

Wow..this got a lot deeper than I initially intended.  And long...yeah, it's pretty long...  So I'll stop for today and leave you with...

TO BE CONTINUED...