I'm amazed to look back over the past 2 years or so and see the changes that God has brought about in me and my life. Some of them have been excruciating, some long and drawn out, but I feel like I am finally seeing some fruit. I am preparing to go through a training seminar weekend, and the main thrust is on helping people work through and deal with personal issues. So one of the things we have to do is identify and deal with some of our own issues. I was so encouraged as I am in the process of 'taking inventory' of myself that some things that have had me hung up in ruts for years I have finally had breakthrough in. I am no longer plagued by some of the 'old tapes' playing in my head of past situations, hurts and attitudes.
It's something I haven't really thought about much recently, but over the past year or so, I spent some intense time praying through (along with a few close friends) some personal hurts, etc. that I've needed to release to God and allow Him to heal. To be completely honest, I was even skeptical that it would 'work' - I sort of had the mindset that these events had partially shaped who I was and would be something I would always carry with me. I expected that I would always respond to situations the way I did, simply because it had become part of 'me'. But in reflecting back on these things, I began realizing today that situations I am currently in, both with my mom's house and other things going on, would have definitely 'stirred the pot' of these past issues and in the past I would be reacting much differently. Don't get me wrong - I've been somewhat stressed and feeling overly busy, but in the midst of the crazy swirl of life, I can honestly say I have peace. It's almost something I can't describe, other than to say that in the very core of my being, I am quiet - settled. I could be completely freaking out, crying and biting the heads off of everyone around me, but strangely enough - I'm not. I'm really OK! In the past, going through times like these would often result in daily arguments between Todd & me, just-below-the-surface seething and resentment towards others, as well as a host of other nasty things.
In some ways I feel like I'm looking at myself from outside and wondering - who is that?? It is with surprise that I say (oh me of little faith) - "Oh, that's me - in the transformation process!" Isn't God GOOD?? I know, as demonstrated by the years of 'bad fruit' that these changes are certainly nothing of myself, but a good, loving and healing God who is faithful to hear the cry of His children. I am a living testament (even though I was skeptical) that with God, all things are possible - including (maybe most difficult of all?) - attitude adjustments!!