get over it!!

Sometimes I get so frustrated with things in myself that I wish were different, but just can't seem to get over. Like feeling left out when Todd does things, (like conferences, classes, etc.) that I can't go to. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't want him to go. It's also not that I don't want to be with my kids. Like last night, for instance, Todd and some others are doing a video course that I had wanted to do as well, but because of the way life is right now, we couldn't both do it, so I'm the one that will keep the kids. And we had a really good time. They were well-behaved, and I have no complaints about them. And I honestly think that is the way it should be right now; I felt it was more important for him to do it, and maybe I can some other time. (Originally I was just going to watch the videos on my own sometime later in the week, but since I NEVER have a 3+ hour block of time to myself to just sit down and watch something, that pretty much didn't work out.) But even though things were going well, the later it gets, my blood begins to boil, and my completely irrational side kicks in and starts thinking "OK, they've had enough time! It is time for this to be done! What possibly has to take this long!?!" The reality is, the longer it takes, that usually means the better it is going, and - translation - the more I am missing out on.

The part that I hate is that I start getting so annoyed and agitated, and usually direct all of that at Todd, and he usually has no clue what the heck is going on. I even try to fight it, and stuff it down, telling myself all the right things... But apparently there are some parts of my flesh that are very weak. And that irritates me, and heightens my bad mood!! It's a nasty cycle . Then Todd becomes defensive because he feels like I'm mad at him for doing something wrong when he didn't. And that's not it. I just don't know how to just 'get over it'. The more I thought about it, the more I think the bottom line is that I feel like I'm on the outside; not included. Even when Todd tries to fill me in on what happened, I get more agitated and don't even want to know...I'd rather pretend that I'm fine and move on (or at least wait til the next day or so til the mood passes)...like I didn't miss anything. If I know how 'great' it was, then I will feel even more sharply what I did miss. (Of course, this is a catch 22 for Todd because once I get over my temper tantrum, then I want to know, and if at that point he doesn't feel like talking about it, or more likely, can't remember most of the details, I get frustrated again because then I feel like I want to know, but can't!) The whole thing is ridiculous, I know.

Even as I write this, it sounds so whiney and immature, and yet, hang in there, because I think I might be coming to a discovery through all this. In the past few weeks I've talked with a couple of people who have basically been experiencing the same thing, except I was the one on the 'inside' of what was making them feel 'out'. And I think I was probably not as compassionate as I should have been. It's easy to see how someone should 'get over it' when you aren't the one struggling. (I know, because I and others tell myself regularly how I shouldn't feel the way I do.) The thing is, God has told me on at least 2 or 3 different occasions over the past couple of years that He is working compassion in me - something I have been very deficient in in the past (and apparently the not-too-distant past!). I can come across like, "Well, here's the right thing. Just do it." And usually I do expect the same from myself. But in this case, I just can't seem to shake these irrational feelings. I'm coming to the conclusion that maybe God is allowing me to go through this so that I can experience the same frustration and hurts that others around me are so that I can address the issues of others from a place of understanding and compassion. And doesn't that sound so nice and spiritual? Well, the reality is that my gut says emphatically, "This sucks!" But I am trying to choose daily to surrender this, and say "God, do the work...just please be gentle!"

The real kicker is that I just spent the last 4 weeks teaching a series on 'Chasing the Lion' and saying how we should embrace the trials we go through as opportunities! Ha! Gotta love God's sense of humor...the minute you teach it, you can take it to the bank that you will be tested in it!! Arrghhh...