Tuesday, April 12, 2011

tripping over mental hurdles

Do you have mental hurdles?  I do.  They are things that keep tripping me up...that are all in my head.  Like, for instance, the nagging thought that time I spend on the computer is 'wasted' time.  I feel like, even though I am doing very 'productive' things...studying, sermon prepping, writing, blogging, learning about helpful and time saving tools, getting ideas for DIY projects...it all feels like a guilty pleasure to me.  One I should not be afforded.  I feel if I spend an entire day on the computer, it's a day wasted (in my mind).  I feel the same about reading.  And writing.  I actually have a newsletter article due tomorrow (ack!  I didn't realize my deadline was so close!) and I'd really like to write a book, which I've started multiple times, but can't give myself the permission to take the kind of extended time I'd need to work on it.  It's crazy, and somewhere in my head I know this.  I think I've even posted about this before, but apparently I didn't listen to whatever I said, because I still find myself struggling with it. 

The jobs that I do...managing a household, leading a church, etc., all require things of me that are not always things that are visibly productive.  I have a raging battle internally to make myself believe this is okay...and even good.  That it is good for me to take the time to do these things...quite possibly even more important (dare I say?!?) than the more visible things on my to-do list like scrubbing and cleaning.  I even battled this same thing when my kids were smaller, feeling bad about taking time to just sit and read with them or play, even though I knew those were good things, because there were piles of laundry and dishes to be done.  I think that we live in such a results-driven world that anything short of produce, produce, produce leaves me feeling like I'm a lazy bum.  But really, growing, cultivating and enriching should be priority.  So why is it so hard for me to believe this in my core?

Do you have any similar kinds of mental hurdles?  What are yours?


Laura said...

yep- this all makes sense to me! I love to see results... and nothing says results like a clean house or checked off to-do list... so it can be a struggle to relax and enjoy reading to or playing with Leyna- even though I know it's important! It's why I almost never nap- even when I really need to.

Angela said...

I hear you! I blogged about that struggle last week... is it because we are so helplessly Pennsylvania Dutch? Is there a little dutch lady on my shoulder saying work! work! work! Doing things for YOU is the Devil!! I just need to flick her off!!