tornados and rings and lost babies

I'm awfully tired and ready to crash into bed, but first had to do a quick post because tonight's events were so unusual, I just figured I had to blog them.

We didn't have our normal Celebration service tonight because we took a bit of a 'church field trip' to another Dove church in Ephrata for an International worship service. There are many people from the Dove family in the area from all over the world (including Kenya, Bulgaria, Peru, Uganda, Canada and Britain - to name a few), as we are all getting ready to gather tomorrow at Sandy Cove for our yearly leadership conference. Well, tonight will certainly be a service to remember!

First of all, we opened up with one song, and by the end of it, there was a loud noise and all the power went out. The loud noise continued to thunder, and we soon found out we were in the midst of a major hailstorm. As it turns out, also apparently a tornado. Not sure if it actually touched down or we just experienced the winds, but the damage was unbelievable, as we found out afterwards. The steeple of the church we were in was actually ripped off, and a barn across the street was demolished. The siding on houses all around looked like it had been fired on by machine guns. We saw smashed windows, downed telephone poles/wires, and debris everywhere. We continued to worship in the dark, as some candles were lit, and leaders did their best to project their voices sans any type of sound system. People held flashlights on the worship leaders and speaker so we could at least see them. It was pretty cool to see the service go on, despite the major obstacles. Of course, I felt bad for the teams of people who had put so much into this annual missions-service, including the multi-media presentation they had prepared, but were unable to present. Also, because they wanted everyone to safely navigate the many detours, the international dinner and bazaar was unable to go on as planned. We were really bummed about that...especially since we had been smelling the scrumptious food from the moment we walked in the door!

To continue the excitement for us personally, at the end of the service someone made an announcement about a ring that had been found in the bathroom on the sink. Kaitlyn's gasp next to me told me immediately it was her new diamond promise ring that had been found. Wasn't really happy to hear that, but thankful that it had at least been found!! I immediately headed for the stage to retrieve it for her. I no sooner got back to our group when Betsy (my sister) in a rather panicky voice said "Where is Eva?" (her not-quite two year old). Keep in mind, it is still totally dark in the auditorium. As everyone in our group fanned out looking and calling her name, she was found in a matter of a few heart-stopping minutes. She was up in the front, being 'detained' by two men who were trying to figure out themselves where she belonged. Apparently when I bolted for the front, she headed after me without anyone realizing. We were all more than a little relieved to have her safely back with the group (especially since the exit doors leading right to the parking lot had been propped open to allow a least a bit of light into the dark sanctuary!).

Well, I think that sums up most of the excitement. All in all, it wasn't a bad night; we are quite thankful for all God's faithfulness and protection. But, it was more adrenaline pumping than normal, I think, and so now I am crashing. Looks like an early-night for me (anything before 11:00 is early for me). That's good though...I still have packing to do in the morning!

the way to mom's heart

My boys are definitely learning something about the way to a woman's heart...or, at least, the way to MY heart! Tonight as dinner time approached they began asking what we were doing tonight, and if we could go to Applebees for supper. I told them that we don't have any gift cards left, so it really wasn't an option. So, they decided to try a different approach. Bryce piped up with "But, we could have a family 'talk' around the table. We always talk better at the table..." Seth, picking up on where his older brother was trying to take the discussion, chimed in with "Yeah, Mom! We could talk about...your flower appointments, and...your dress for Nanny's wedding!"

I have to say, it was a valiant and creative effort on their parts, and if there were any ounce of extra money in the budget, they woulda had me (though I'm not sure their father would have been so easily convinced). But, alas...it is an assortment of random leftovers we will be dining on this evening. But, I am sure they will still gladly be up for a family 'talk' about my flower arranging and wedding attire. (Yeah, right!!)

the art of the long meal

I finally finished the book I've been reading called "Velvet Elvis". Can't express how much I loved this book and was impacted by it. Really, really good. Anyway, near the end, were a couple of paragraphs I especially loved. And felt affirmed in regards to something we do at Koinonia House. The first Sunday of every month we do not have a regular church service; instead we have a 'fellowship meal'. Yep, we just get together at someone's house and just hang out and eat. On occasion in the past we have also done some worship music, but not always. I hesitate to say we "worshipped" and mean by that that we sang songs. Because really, our eating and conversing and game playing, and just generally enjoying each other is an act of worship when it is done in a way that honors God. This is a concept that doesn't come easily to one such as myself, who has grown up all my life in church, and 'church' just isn't really 'church' if you don't sing or pray or preach. But really, being the Church is sharing life together. That's actually what 'koinonia' means. And so, though at different times it has felt to me like a hassle, or I've questioned whether we should continue to do the meal for various reasons, these paragraphs penned by Rob Bell brought me back to the model Jesus lived. It made me think "oh, yeah..." and I hope that we continue to be less "religious" and more like Jesus.

Here's the excerpt from "Velvet Elvis":

One of the most tragic things ever to happen to the gospel was the emergence of the message that Jesus takes us somewhere else if we believe in him. The Bible ends with God coming here. God, in the midst of all the people who can imagine nothing better, celebrating the life that we all share. The images Jesus used were of banquets and feasts and celebrations. What do we do at parties such as these? We eat and talk and dance and enjoy each other and above all else, we take our time. What does Jesus do almost as much as he teaches and heals? He eats long meals. As Christians, it is our duty to master the art of the long meal.

If you find yourself wanting to take me less seriously, let me ask a question: What was the ritual the first Christians observed with the most frequency? Exactly. The common meal, also called the Eucharist or the Lord's Supper. And what did this meal consist of? Hours of talking and sharing and enjoying each other's presence. Food is the basis of life, it comes from the earth, and the earth is God's. In a Jewish home in Jesus' day - and even now - the table is seen as an altar. It's holy. Time spent around the table with each other is time spent with God.

popes & bishops & homeschooling

The boys have been playing chess the past few days (thanks to their cousin Anna teaching Bryce and starting quite a trend in our house!), and tonight both Seth and Bryce took a turn playing Todd. At one point I overheard Seth pointing out a certain piece to Todd and saying "That piece is the pope!" Todd replied "You mean the bishop." "Oh, yeah, right," says Seth.

After a good chuckle, I explained to Todd, who was looking quizzically at Seth, wondering where the pope/bishop confusion came from, that we are learning about medieval times, and the crusades, right now in history.

Well, he might have some things askew, but overall, some connections must be being made. (He also commented that the piece looks like the pope's hat...). I always feel so good when I get to see them trying to apply some knowledge they've gained in settings away from our 'classroom'.

irony and crocuses

This past weekend was a CRAZY one. We threw a surprise bridal shower for my mom on Friday night, and then a surprise birthday party for Kaitlyn on Saturday at lunch! In my opinion, everything from planning to execution went beautifully, both bride and birthday girl were very surprised, and I think everyone seemed to enjoy themselves. All in all, I think that both events were a success.

I was also reminded of some craziness in my life exactly ten years ago. I was also throwing a bridal shower (for my sister) and a birthday party (also for my daughter, who was then turning a tiny 3!). However, in the midst of all that, my marriage was exploding and falling in a shambles around my feet. I've told this story on here before, when I posted the reasoning for naming my blog "crocuses in march", so feel free to click here if you've never heard my story.

Rather than go into it all again, I just wanted to mention the irony that struck me as I thought back on that this weekend. Here I am, ten years down the road, doing the very same things, but from a completely different standpoint. I now have a strong and thriving marriage (thanks to the grace of God) and 3 more beautiful children. Though I would certainly never say my life is "perfect" (I mean, who really has "perfect"?), I value, more than words can express, all that God done and have such a greater understanding of love, mercy and grace. I do not in any way deserve all that I have; I am truly living a miracle. I am completely in love with my husband, and have a faith and hope in Christ my Savior that he has, can and will carry me through the storms of this life. And I'm grateful for the lovely, yearly reminder - whenever I see crocuses - that no matter what things appear like on the surface, God is able, in his infinite love and power, to bring forth life from any dead place.

and so it begins

Yesterday Kate went out to get something from the car and found the boys, who had been playing tennis in the driveway, standing staring toward the neighbors', with a funny look on their faces. From what was relayed to me, it was a mixture of bewilderment and disgust. She asked what happened. Appalled, they said "Allison, across the street, just yelled over 'Seth, I loooooove yooouu!!'".

And so it begins... ;)

I don't walk on water...

The past few weeks God has seemingly brought up a recurring theme to me. It is that of the idea that God has confidence in us. Not that we just have faith in Him, but that He has faith in us.

(Now, for those of you 'thinkers' among us, who fear I might be taking a theological left-hand turn, don't worry; I 'get' that God having faith in us is really just having faith in His own ability to work His will in and through us...I know; but for application sake, just go with me, okay?)

This idea was mentioned first in a book I'm reading, and again in a Louie Giglio video we watched this weekend. I think God is trying to hit home with me the thought that whatever He asks or expects of me, He does so only because He is confident that I am capable of it. Now that thought makes me chuckle. Because right now, I'm am feeling totally incompetent on so many levels. I am doubting that I can, or even want to, do the things that God has called me to. On occasion (though I'm getting better about not letting myself go here) I even ponder whether or not He actually ever did call me. In my head, I can rationalize the unreasonableness of that, as He has confirmed things to us many times over, but it feels like it would be such an easy 'out' to say, "You know, I think we just heard wrong. Made a mistake. Oops. Well...it was a good run, but..." However, I know that those are the very thoughts that I must take captive and bring into obedience to God's plan. But don't you ever just want to hang on the "what ifs" sometimes and think how life might be different if you could change things that you really can't? Yeah, I don't recommend doing that...

Anyway, the author of the book I'm in posed a very interesting question that has stuck with me. If you are familiar with the story of Peter walking on the water, you may know that he was very bold at first, hopping out of that boat at Jesus' bidding and walking straight towards the Lord. However, in very short order he got freaked out and began to sink. Here's the question: Who did Peter doubt that caused him to start sinking? If you read the story, it wasn't Jesus...he called out "Lord, save me!" when he started goin' down. It was himself. He realized, "Hey, I'm just Peter, and I DON'T WALK ON WATER!!!!"

That's kind of where I'm at right now. Sort of up-and-down, confident then totally discouraged. But God is faithful to keep bringing me back to what He wants me to hear. (Sometimes I still fight, because what He's saying isn't necessarily what I want to hear, but that's a totally different issue!) I just need to keep reminding myself - and hopefully this encourages you - that whatever He calls me to, He gives me the grace and the tools and the ability to accomplish. He has full confidence that I can do it. Imagine that!

interview with my kids

There's this thing going around Facebook called "Interview with my Kids". It was very amusing, and thought worth posting here. The answers are direct, word-for-word quotes from the kids; anything in parenthesis and italics are my thoughts/responses:

1. What is something mom always says to you

Kate: Do you have my headband?
Bryce: You need to change your attitude or you're grounded!
Seth: Can you calm down for at least a second?
Luke: Do you want a spanking?

2. What makes mom happy?

Kate: A clean house
Bryce: Giving you valentines
Seth: Calmness, and music while she's working
Luke: That I be good, not naughty

3. What makes mom sad?

Kate: When her "Chocolate is a need" mug is dirty.
Bryce: When somebody hurts her feelings
Seth: When she stubs her toe
Luke: When people hurt her feelings

4. How does your mom make you laugh?

Kate: When she randomly starts singing - and dancing! - weird songs in the kitchen
Bryce: When I frown, you make the same face, and that makes me laugh
Seth: When I see your butt crack (I have a problem with my jeans not staying where they should when I'm sitting on the floor... the kids usually say "Hey Mom, crack kills.")
Luke: You kiss me

5. What did your mom like to do when she was a child?

Kate: She watched the Waltons
Bryce: She had an imaginary husband named Zeke
Seth: She watched the old Underdog
Luke: She played with her dolls at Nanny's

6. How old is your mom?

Kate: 102
Bryce: 36; well, you're really 35 but turning 36 in a month
Seth: 54
Luke: I - don't - know!

7. How tall is your mom?

Kate: 5' 5 1/2"
Bryce: 5' 5"
Seth: 102 feet
Luke: (whining....) I don't knooooooow - I want chocolate miiiiilk....


8. What is her favorite thing to watch on TV?

Kate: Eli Stone
Bryce: The View
Seth: The View
Luke: the weather

9. What does your mom do when you're not around?

Kate: sleep and eat chocolate - mint chocolate that Laura brings her
Bryce: eat chocolate and turn on 'that' music - I don't know what it's called, but it's very odd... (based on what he started humming, he means my big band CD)
Seth: type on the computer
Luke: she types

10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?

Kate: Going on Dancing with the Stars
Bryce: writing a song - also what Seth said - publishing a book (he wanted that answer but Seth said it first)
Seth: publishing a book
Luke: don't know...

11. What is your mom really good at?

Kate: skipping school
Bryce: playing piano
Seth: batting
Luke: REALLY good at typing

12. What is your mom not very good at?

Kate: drawing
Bryce: boxing on Wii
Seth: being angry (Did he not understand the question??)
Luke: dressing me

13. What does your mom do for her job?

Kate: she works at Buds in Blossoms/Aunt Bets's counter
Bryce: Buds in Blossoms
Seth: flowers for weddings
Luke: TYPE!!!!

14. What is your mom's favorite food?

Kate: mint ice cream
Bryce: chocolate chip cookies
Seth: chocolate
Luke: eggs (I'm actually NOT a huge fan of eggs...maybe that's just what was on his mind at the moment.)


15. What makes you proud of your mom?

Kate: that you come up with something to make for supper every night (For me, this is no small feat!)
Bryce: that you're my mom
Seth: letting science be the first thing in school (I think he thinks "what makes you proud" means "what makes you happy"...)
Luke: you paint with me (Again, think we might be confusing "being proud" with "what I want"...)

16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?

Kate: Elasti-Girl
Bryce: Sweet Polly
Seth: Underdog
Luke: a cowgirl (huh????)


17. What do you and your mom do together?

Kate: go shopping!
Bryce: we play drums and piano
Seth: we do school together
Luke: we play a game

18. How are you and your mom the same?

Kate: we both like to go shopping
Bryce: we both have blond hair
Seth: our faces look the same
Luke: because we are white (After studying me carefully, I think this was honestly the only similarity he could see!! He looks slightly like his dad...)

19. How are you and your mom different?

Kate: We don't agree on shoes or bedding - the BIG debate
Bryce: I'm not a girl
Seth: you're taller!
Luke: because you have white hair and I have black hair

20. What does your mom like most about your dad?

Kate: his sarcasm
Bryce: his freaky goatee
Seth: you love each other
Luke: you kiss dad ALL THE TIME in the kitchen!!!!

21. . Where is your mom's favorite place to go?

Kate: Red Lobster
Bryce: Bubba's
Seth: you like sitting on the beach, just laying down
Luke: go to the beach

so I wanna go back to Egypt???

I'm coming to the conclusion that I might just be the world's biggest baby. I've mentioned before that I don't handle change well, and I'm finding that to be truer every day. Every new situation anymore fills me with an odd mixture of a small degree of hopefulness and a large portion of apprehension. It's really rather annoying, because I know in my head that God is in control and He has good plans for my future. But I cannot seem to shake this ever-irritating cycle of dragging my feet with everything and wasting time wishing I could 'go back' to the way things (whatever those 'things' may be...) used to be. Last night I heard this song by Sara Groves again, and feel like it's so much the story of my life! Will I ever be able to get beyond this ridiculous wrestling with myself?!!?

Painting Pictures of Egypt

I don't want to leave here
I don't want to stay
It feels like pinching to me
Either way
And the places I long for the most
Are the places where I've been
They are calling out to me
Like a long lost friend

It's not about losing faith
It's not about trust
It's all about comfortable
When you move so much
And the place I was wasn't perfect
But I had found a way to live
And it wasn't milk or honey
But then neither is this

I've been painting pictures of Egypt,
I've been leaving out what it lacks
The future feels so hard,
And I wanna go back!
But the places that used to fit me,
Cannot hold the things I've learned
Those roads were closed off to me
While my back was turned!

The past is so tangible
I know it by heart
Familiar things are never easy
To discard
I was dying for some freedom
But now I hesitate to go
I am caught between the Promise
And the things I know

I've been painting pictures of Egypt,
I've been leaving out what it lacks
The future feels so hard,
And I wanna go back!
But the places that used to fit me,
Cannot hold the things I've learned
Those roads were closed off to me
While my back was turned!


If it comes too quick
I may not appreciate it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?
And if it comes too quick
I may not recognize it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?

random rants

Well, it's been a while since I've gone on a good rant. Well, this isn't really a 'rant', I'm just bugged about 2 things this evening (both of which are completely random and totally unrelated!), and since everyone else in my house is asleep, I have no one to dump this on, so here goes...

First of all, I've been spending some time watching a bit of Mark Driscoll, from Mars Hill Church in Seattle. If you don't know who Mark is, or don't care, just skip on down to point two. If you do, then maybe you'll understand when I confess to having a respect/despise (seemed to fit better than love/hate) relationship with this very public-in-church-circles pastor. On one hand, I really respect Mark's raw, realness intermingled with his extensive knowledge of scripture. He addresses the 'real' issues of life like no one else I've ever heard, and he does it unashamedly. From watching the clips of his sermons and teachings, it seems there is no topic this bold pastor shies away from. I really admire that. And the fact that he is a 'guy's guy' really appeals to men. I get that. However, I cringe at the fact that I also find him arrogant and borderline rude. He always seems to be out to 'slay' anyone who disagrees with his particular vein of theology, and allows no room for any difference of opinion or interpretation, to the point that it seems like there is no depth of scripture that he has not personally attained the understanding of. He comes across like he has God figured out in every aspect, down to every detail and his mind is fully capable of comprehending the vastness of God. I'm sorry, but I just do not believe anyone is capable of that. Then there is also the small issue I have of the particularly small box that he places women in, but that's a completely different topic for a different day...

Secondly, and completely unrelated to the first topic, I just read on this blog, Virtue Alert, that Kohl's has partnered with Britney Spears to 'represent' the Candies' line of clothing sold in their stores. Now, I am trying to be much more in-tune and aware of what is going on with and being aimed at teens these days, as I am about to 'officially' be the parent of a teenager ("only 15 daaaaaays!!!!!" as I was reminded today...). I saw some clips of Britney's latest tour, and let's just suffice it to say it was downright pornographic. Now, it's not that I'm particularly worried that my daughter will be star-struck by Britney Spears (frankly, I pretty much think most young teens see Britney as 'yesterday's news' and could care less), and in particular, Kate has no exposure to, nor draw or tendencies toward anything remotely associated with Britney. If you know Kate at all, you know it's definitely not her style! (And that's an understatement, thankfully!) However, I do like Kohl's in general, and am just really disappointed and annoyed that they would team up with anyone with as much junk going on as Britney does - by anyone's standards! - and think that is going to be a draw. This poor soul (and I mean that literally) has proven herself so totally unstable, and obviously a worst-possible-pick for 'role model' to young women (again - by anyone's standards!!!) that I can't believe that any company would take a risk of associating themselves with her. And worse than the partnership between Britney and the exclusive-to-Kohl's line of junior clothing, Candies, is the fact that both the clothing company and Kohl's are supporting Britney's new tour! Ack!! Aaargh... I just hate knowing a portion of my money is going to such trash. Anyway, if you'd like to know more about this (beyond my two cents) you can get some actual facts by clicking on the link for the Virtue Alert blog, and also a way to contact Kohl's and let them know how unhappy you are about their lapse in judgement.

There, I feel better...

second-rate????

Yesterday I was talking with a friend of mine who teaches at a local Christian high school. She was telling me about her Spiritual Life Group (like a small group at school) and a discussion they had. The group is all girls, of which I would be fairly certain most grew up in Bible-believing churches. The group has a 'question box' where anyone can put a question in, and they periodically draw a question from the box and discuss it. The question that came out yesterday was along the lines of "are women created equal?" Now, the discussion centered around, not just are women equal in 'function' but are they equal in 'value'. My friend sort of took the question a little farther and asked the girls if they thought they were created equally in God's image.

I was greatly saddened to hear what the prevailing opinion among these young Christian women was. They basically said they felt that no, they must not be, because Adam was created first, and Eve only from Adam, and only as a 'helper'. They assumed that men carried 'more' of the image of God because they are allowed to be pastors and leaders in the church and women aren't. They guessed that must be because women get too 'bi-polar' in their emotions. They figured that because God refers to himself in the masculine in scripture that women must just be a little 'less'. What a heartbreaking disservice the church has done to women throughout the ages!

While I can respect differing stances on the 'women in leadership' issue, I am left wondering how we can right the wrongly ingrained beliefs these young ladies have, and countless other women in the church, about the value of their own personhood. I know not all of my readers would agree with the position I personally hold on the topic of women leading in the church, however, I cannot imagine they would be fine with Christian girls holding an opinion of themselves as 'second-rate' in God's eyes! So I would love to have a flood of comments from people - who both agree and disagree with me - with your thoughts on how an issue such as this can be addressed.

the silver lining

The past 2 days have been a little rough due to the cold/flu that has hit me. Sore throat, achy, chills and a nose that's running like a faucet (and now swollen, red and burning as a result) has really taken me out. Yesterday the kids got a total free day off school, because I just couldn't possibly think or stay upright to teach them. But don't worry - lest you think this a whining/complaining session - actually, I'm thinking on the things that I have to be thankful for in the midst of this!

First of all, the kids were really pretty great yesterday. They all tried to be pretty self-sufficient all day, and where Lukey couldn't, Kate, of course, jumped in and did a great job of helping with whatever he needed. Admittedly, it was kind of a free-for-all day - they spent the day watching movies and playing Wii, and they only ate what they could fix themselves. Rather than 'meals' they sort of 'grazed' throughout the day...though it was all healthy, so I'm not concerned...granola bars, yogurt, triscuits and cereal...could certainly be a lot worse! They all tried to be very sensitive about being somewhat quiet (for most of the day anyway...by supper they were having trouble containing the silliness of being subdued all day), and Seth even prayed for me first off when he found me laying sick in bed when he first got up. Todd did a great job making dinner for us all when he got home.

Today, my friend Lori called to see if we wanted to come over and go sledding with her kids. The thought of going out the door into the cold made me ache straight to the bone, but when she heard I was sick, she graciously offered to come take all my kiddos for the afternoon, and return them after dinner tonight. What a huge help!

And the final blessing I've been thankful for is that it's really only me that is sick! At least with all this help I am able to get some rest; if I had kiddos who were sick too, there'd be no choice but to push through to attend to them.

So, all in all - there's always some sun somewhere in a cloudy day!

giveaways!!!

If anyone is interested in some awesome giveaways, here are two from a couple blogs that I frequent.

The first is on Ainsley's blog...this is some really awesome jewelry from SmartMom, designed especially for Mommies...it's non-toxic, latex-free and has a breakaway clasp...and get this...diswasher safe! It's designed for Mom's to look hip while having the perfect teether always handy for baby to grab. It's the perfect chic piece for mom to wear and baby to teeth on. To win one of these cool accessories, just head over to Chattahoochee Mama blog and leave a comment to enter! (Even if you don't have any teething tots, these would make a great gift!)


The second giveaway currently in progress is for a night's stay at the Bethesda North Marriott. Another blogging friend, Trisha, is generously giving this away, and though it's a bit far from home for me, I think I would thoroughly enjoy the leisurely drive time with my hubby to enjoy this hotel, and a mini-getaway, all for free! So if you are interested in that, check out Reston Mom and leave your entry comment there too!

seasons

I think God did a really good thing when He came up with seasons. By the time one is about done, I am always ready for the next one. And especially with winter... I am sooooo ready for it to be done; it's a good thing that spring is just around the corner! (In spite of the fact that I'm staring at a good 6" plus of snow right now!!)

grief

I just watched the movie "Elizabethtown". I had asked a few friends about it, who had seen it a few years ago, and they had hated it. But today the kids were out in the snow, and I was doing some really boring work, so decided to pop it in anyway.

I have to say, I loved it - I could identify with very much of it, and it was a very cathartic experience for me. I've been in a process of realizing how much of the grieving process I had apparently put on hold, for various reasons, after my dad died. I didn't even realize I was doing it - but I did. Anyway, watching this movie - in all of its randomness, (that probably at a different time in my life I would have found annoying) completely connected with me today.

Watching the scenes of people doing weird things, because in their grief they just felt they had to...yep, I get that. The completely random flashbacks of childhood memories with his dad...totally understand. Dreams that are a weird mix of his dad and winning a million bucks...well, not exactly the same scenario, but yeah, done that, too. There's one part of the movie where the main character is on a 'road trip' with his dead father's ashes (you'll have to watch the movie if you really want to know...) and he's talking to his 'dad' - talking, laughing, yelling, and then bawling. I so relate to that. Though I haven't allowed myself such a flood of raw emotion in a while, the times I have indulged myself to let that flood happen, it does feel very healing after its over.

Grief is a fairly new thing to me. Most of my life growing up, I had never lost anyone close to me. My grandmother was the first, when I was about 24, and there have been several more losses since then, but obviously none as profoundly impactful as losing my dad. Don't get me wrong...I did do my 'initial' grieving, to a fairly good degree, but at some point, I inadvertently went into 'buck-up and deal mode' and just didn't really allow the process to continue. It's not like I'm falling apart on a daily basis now or anything, but I'm being much more sensitive to myself and trying to allow myself to fully 'feel' or 'experience' the emotions more when they do surface. Watching this movie today caused a lot to surface. Other times when I would feel the way I do right now, I would tell myself to stop having a pity party and move on. But right now, I'm not. I'm giving in, allowing myself to feel a little sad, remember my dad, and cry a bit. But the thing that's really weird is that I'm also feeling good about the things I accomplished today, enjoying the beauty of the snow, and looking forward to the evening. It's not at all like being depressed, at least as I have known that. It's a mingled feeling of sad acceptance, yet not hopeless. Melancholy, maybe? I don't know; but I don't have to 'name' it....I just know I need to 'feel' it. It helps.

Monday blues...

What a day...trying to get snow-crazed kids to focus on schoolwork BEFORE heading out to play, pulling together the info to get our taxes done for the business so we can even get the necessary info to even consider starting our personal ones (I originally had the audacity to think I could actually DO our own business return - ha!), laundry that still needs to be washed, and even more that was washed over the weekend that needs to be folded, a flower quote to get out...yeah, that's a glimpse into my Monday. Some days I kinda just want to hide - today is one of them!

welcoming march

Well, I'm not in love with my new background...I have been looking for one with crocuses - obviously, since it's March it seemed only appropriate. But until I find one, this one at least represents some sort of March theme. And it reminds me that I want to reserve some books on the 'real' St. Patrick to read with the kids this month. (I usually try to do that with whatever holidays happen to fall each month.)

I was all in the mode of being done with winter - put away all my snowmen decorations yesterday - and shifted into counting down the days til spring...and NOW we get a good snowstorm. Nice. I mean, normally I love snowstorms, and have hoped for one all winter...not just a dusting or an inch or two, but a good solid blizzard...preferably big enough to keep my hubby home from work (which basically would have to be a blizzard). Well, I guess rather than always being cranky about what I have and wanting something different, I'm just gonna choose to be happy and enjoy the beautiful blanket of whiteness that we are expecting to see in a few hours.

Happy March everyone! (So does this count as coming in like a lamb?!?!?)