silence

I wrote this a long time ago, but just came across it again.

The silence....

The heavy darkness....I enter it alone

I feel it surround me....it closes in

Suffocatingly it envelopes me

I long to give in....to give myself over

to the abyss

But then....

Just as I close my eyes in defeated surrender

Escape!

I am pulled from the murderous blackness

Light floods in and pours over me in waves

I suck in air as a babe newly born

Gasping, gulping in the refreshment

I am in the open....the vast expanse

of never-ending brightness and beauty

Resting....

the lightness of life regained

Alone, yes, still

But No - not ever

full peace

Well, I haven't posted since Friday because, as I mentioned, I was starting to paint the bathroom. Let's just say it did NOT go well. I have literally spent almost every waking moment either painting, scraping or re-painting. What was supposed to be 'not a big deal' turned into a NIGHTMARE! We were supposed to just be able to primer and paint...and on Saturday it seemed it went great. Then Sunday everything started peeling off. So we had to peel/scrape, sand, wash, de-gloss, re-primer, and re-paint. And we're still not done, but hopefully today might be the last. We did decide if we were this far we might as well do some other stuff in there, like install some outlets (quite handy in a bathroom...we've only had one that plugged into the light fixture that was about 50 years old), and new light fixtures that are pretty. So I am actually excited about how it will look when it's done. Even the pink tiles that are still there might actually not be so offensive!

As far as being inspired to other projects...as bad as this went, I still want to paint the rest of the house...because it really looks nice when it's done. And I have learned a lot in this bathroom escapade, and I think I'll be more prepared for the next project!

painting

Tomorrow I'm painting in the bathroom with my mother-in-law...with all 4 kids here. My bathroom is really hideous. It's pink - everywhere. The walls, ceiling and all woodwork, are painted pink, there is pink tile bath and on the walls, and the floor is pink and gray tile. When you sit in there, it's much like what you would experience if you dove into a Peptobismol bottle. We are starting with the ceilings and woodwork (including doors) to see how much difference making those things white does. I'd really like to get rid of all the pink, but removing tile is a HUGE project.

I like the idea of 'household projects', and I like the idea of changing things in my house, but we've always been kind of daunted by projects, so haven't done many. My entire house really needs painting...we've lived here for over a year now, and the walls are still dirty white, with the outlines of the pictures on the walls from the lady that lived here before us. It becomes increasingly agitating by the day as I look at them. Maybe if tomorrow goes well I'll be inspired on to bigger things...I'll let you know.

processing

Today would have been my mom & dad's wedding anniversary. In case you are a new friend, my dad died suddenly on August 27 of a heart attack. He had had no prior heart problems or any health problems, for that matter, that we were aware of, so it was a terrible shock. I think we've all coped pretty well, and I think my mom has been amazing. But today, I wasn't sure how she'd be, this being the another in the 'year of firsts', so I tried to call and feel her out without bringing it up directly, in case that would make her feel worse. She wasn't home, so I left a message, again, without saying anything directly about the day. She's been working a lot of hours at her job, so I didn't think it strange that I didn't hear back from her until tonight later. What I didn't expect was for her to tell me that after an emotional day (she said she didn't want to call in the middle of falling apart because she didn't want to make anything harder for us...) she went out to dinner with some friends. She's made a lot of friends through a grief-share support group that she attended. So she began telling me that the one friend didn't get back to her, so she ended up just going with another friend and HIS son. Now, I guess this is pretty selfish, but I have to admit, it kind of weirded me out...that she ended up going out with a guy friend (and his son, as she quickly pointed out when I mentioned the word 'date'). Don't get me wrong...I really don't have a 'problem' with it...I am truly glad that she's made these different friendships and has other people who she feels comfortable calling to share this process with, but it just freaks me out a bit to think of her having dinner with another guy, even if he is just a friend. I guess it's just part of process that I'm going through. I truly want her to be happy, and if that ends up meaning (which I think eventually it will...she's only 56) that she finds another relationship, well, I want the best for her. But man, it's a whole new thing for me to deal with!!

get over it!!

Sometimes I get so frustrated with things in myself that I wish were different, but just can't seem to get over. Like feeling left out when Todd does things, (like conferences, classes, etc.) that I can't go to. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't want him to go. It's also not that I don't want to be with my kids. Like last night, for instance, Todd and some others are doing a video course that I had wanted to do as well, but because of the way life is right now, we couldn't both do it, so I'm the one that will keep the kids. And we had a really good time. They were well-behaved, and I have no complaints about them. And I honestly think that is the way it should be right now; I felt it was more important for him to do it, and maybe I can some other time. (Originally I was just going to watch the videos on my own sometime later in the week, but since I NEVER have a 3+ hour block of time to myself to just sit down and watch something, that pretty much didn't work out.) But even though things were going well, the later it gets, my blood begins to boil, and my completely irrational side kicks in and starts thinking "OK, they've had enough time! It is time for this to be done! What possibly has to take this long!?!" The reality is, the longer it takes, that usually means the better it is going, and - translation - the more I am missing out on.

The part that I hate is that I start getting so annoyed and agitated, and usually direct all of that at Todd, and he usually has no clue what the heck is going on. I even try to fight it, and stuff it down, telling myself all the right things... But apparently there are some parts of my flesh that are very weak. And that irritates me, and heightens my bad mood!! It's a nasty cycle . Then Todd becomes defensive because he feels like I'm mad at him for doing something wrong when he didn't. And that's not it. I just don't know how to just 'get over it'. The more I thought about it, the more I think the bottom line is that I feel like I'm on the outside; not included. Even when Todd tries to fill me in on what happened, I get more agitated and don't even want to know...I'd rather pretend that I'm fine and move on (or at least wait til the next day or so til the mood passes)...like I didn't miss anything. If I know how 'great' it was, then I will feel even more sharply what I did miss. (Of course, this is a catch 22 for Todd because once I get over my temper tantrum, then I want to know, and if at that point he doesn't feel like talking about it, or more likely, can't remember most of the details, I get frustrated again because then I feel like I want to know, but can't!) The whole thing is ridiculous, I know.

Even as I write this, it sounds so whiney and immature, and yet, hang in there, because I think I might be coming to a discovery through all this. In the past few weeks I've talked with a couple of people who have basically been experiencing the same thing, except I was the one on the 'inside' of what was making them feel 'out'. And I think I was probably not as compassionate as I should have been. It's easy to see how someone should 'get over it' when you aren't the one struggling. (I know, because I and others tell myself regularly how I shouldn't feel the way I do.) The thing is, God has told me on at least 2 or 3 different occasions over the past couple of years that He is working compassion in me - something I have been very deficient in in the past (and apparently the not-too-distant past!). I can come across like, "Well, here's the right thing. Just do it." And usually I do expect the same from myself. But in this case, I just can't seem to shake these irrational feelings. I'm coming to the conclusion that maybe God is allowing me to go through this so that I can experience the same frustration and hurts that others around me are so that I can address the issues of others from a place of understanding and compassion. And doesn't that sound so nice and spiritual? Well, the reality is that my gut says emphatically, "This sucks!" But I am trying to choose daily to surrender this, and say "God, do the work...just please be gentle!"

The real kicker is that I just spent the last 4 weeks teaching a series on 'Chasing the Lion' and saying how we should embrace the trials we go through as opportunities! Ha! Gotta love God's sense of humor...the minute you teach it, you can take it to the bank that you will be tested in it!! Arrghhh...

boys will be boys

I don't want my blog to just be a forum to talk about my kids, but I thought this two things were funny and wanted to share them...maybe they will be mildy amusing to you.

Seth, my 4 yr old, regularly wants me to 'faint' or fall so he can rescue me. On Saturday after I profusely thanked my hero (who was clad in plastic armor and sword), he walked away saying "I'm not a superhero or anything, Mom, just a guy with a sword."

Last night we had a guest speaker at our church who was telling a story of a Christian boxer he met in Bulgaria. He made the comment he wasn't sure how that scenario played out...knocking somebody out 'in the name of Jesus' to which my 6 year old son gave a hearty "Hallelujah!".

Boys will be boys!

The Journey

We are walking, you and I, friends

Enjoying amiable company

And I find we are heading for a desert

You take me to this place, a dry and barren land

I am drawn, though terrified, I do not want to go

You lure me in, I am powerless to say no

You take me there, and tenderly say that in this place there are times I will not see you, but you will always be there,

I will be broken, but you will heal, I will thirst, but you will refresh me

Then suddenly, I am alone, seemingly, in this God-forsaken place

I remember your words, but I feel panic because I do not see you, cannot feel you

I must only trust you are there

I become increasingly desperate for you; my throat is parched; I ache for your presence, for the way we were before this arrid land

I am breaking, I can take no more, my very life is draining from me, and then....

You are there, out of no where you appear, like an oasis in the middle of a vast desert

You refresh me with water, gently lift my limp body

Leaning on you, we leave this hard place and journey on to a new

I have learned a deep truth

You are not my only my friend, you are my source; not just a companion, but my lifeblood

The desert caused me to see that which I would never have known - I can never exist apart from you

Next I find you have led me to the most lush garden; it flourishes all around with fragrant flowers, gently rolling plains and babbling brooks

You make for me a plush bed among the grasses, the trees a canopy above me

I am hidden from all but you, for you have nestled me in to a secret place, where you will restore me, as you feed my soul the fruit of the vine

I rest, enveloped in your love, as you heal and renew me

The dew is like a healing balm to the wounds the desert inflicted

You whisper to me in the cool of the evening, and sing over me in the soft shadows of the night

I long to stay in this place forever

All to soon though, you are beckoning me to come

I resist, for I so love this place; I drink in deeply through all my senses all that is around me - the sights, smells, sounds of this, OUR place

I am strong, invigorated from our time here

I recall the hours spent communing, dancing, laughing - and I realize I am in love

Once again I gaze upon your face,

As I have so many times in our secret place

This time I see a new excitement, a passion burning in your eyes

You urge me to come, to run with you, no longer strolling together

Our walk has grown into a lover's hot pursuit

You are moving to yet a new place, and I, hopelessly in love, must chase after you

I cannot be apart from you, not for a moment

For we are lovers, every other pleasure pales in comparison to our divine romance

But our chase has led us to a final obstacle - there is before me a fire

You are on one side, I, the other

I reach out for you, but you say I must pass through

Do I trust you enough to walk through the flames?

You say it is the only way;

I will be consumed, yes, but not in a destructive way

For the inferno is a refiner's fire, and you the refiner

I step willingly into the flames; you have long ago proven your faithfulness; I choose to trust

The heat is sweltering, yet I am not harmed

Consumed, yet not burned, by the holy fire

As I emerge, I am shining, glowing, like the purest gold

I am clothed in vivid white, adorned in jewels, dressed as a bride approaching her groom

Your passionate desire has awakened my every sense as our love culminates in this wedded bliss

For we have arrived at our destination, the journey behind us and every joy set out before us for all eternity

I am wrapped in you and we are one, at last

standards

OK, here's a question for you...what are your standards for movies? There are some movies that I rule out automatically, like horror, for multiple reasons...including that I just simply don't like them. There are other reasons of a more spiritual nature that you may disagree with, and that's fine, I'm not looking for an argument. I'm asking about other movies, be it comedy, romance or drama, that might have sexual references, crude humor, brief nudity, or simply implications of a sexual nature. Is the standard based on what causes you personally to stumble, or is it a fixed standard that should be for all Christians?

For example, since it came out when I was in 8th grade, Dirty Dancing has always been one of my favorite movies, for a couple of reasons. One is that I'm a sap for a love story... I want someone to stand up and risk it all for me... "No one puts Baby in a corner..." That kind of thing. The second reason is that I love any movie with dancing in it...Grease, Take the Lead, etc. I love 'Dancing with Stars'. Maybe it's something deep within me that lives through watching others dance so beautifully, and make it look easy, knowing that I could never do it, but would love to. We took a swing class once. It was a lot of fun...but like other issues I struggle with (which is a post for another time...) I have trouble letting him lead. But I digress...

And yet, as a Christian and a 'pastor's wife' I actually wrestled with whether or not to admit the fact that I love that movie in my profile for this blog. How lame is that? I've been thinking about it all morning...are my standards really lacking? I never personally had a problem with it...never felt convicted that it was a 'sinful' movie, frankly, it was never an issue for me. But I know others I relate to would have a huge problem (some based on the title alone, not even knowing anything about the movie. It must be evil if it has the word 'dirty' in it, right?!!) Until the past few years as we began thinking through things from a leadership perspective. And really, it's not just people in 'church' leadership - anyone who has someone that looks up to them or has authority in someone else's life (obviously I am speaking in a healthy way, like a mentoring relationship) needs to consider these things. Because it is no longer an issue of if something is a problem for me, but now I must also consider, will it cause someone else to stumble on their journey. What are the implications of I Corinthians 8:13 "Therefore, if food makes my brother stumble, I will never again eat meat, lest I make my brother stumble."

So, what do you think? Is something okay for me to watch with 'the girls' that I wouldn't necessarily want my husband to watch? I saw a movie recently that Cameron Diaz walked around in a thong for what seemed like half the movie. It had no effect on me, other than to realize, "Hey, I don't want my husband watching this movie!" Should that fact along be enough to deem the movie unsuitable for me as well?

dot.com generation

If anyone wants to know if kids today are different that 30 years ago, let me tell you about some of the things my 2 year old says and does. His current favorite DVD (which he knows how to load himself) is 'Kutless LIVE from Portland'; he daily brings me hair gel from the bathroom and asks for a "hawkie" - meaning a mohawk (influence of the Kutless DVD); when he gets his "hawkie", or puts on a shirt he likes he comes to us saying "Cool? Cool?"; his latest word that he walks around randomly saying is "dot com". Then again, he drags around a blankie when he's tired, sleeps with his teddy bear, and likes to stand on his big sister while she's trying to watch TV. So all in all, maybe not all that much changes...

New blog...

Well, I finally have set up my own blog...I really don't have time to put a real post, I just didn't like having a blank page. If you happen upon this before I post again, please check back again soon!