Jesus Trampled By Christmas Shoppers "Thou Shall Not Miss a Sale"
Jesus Christ appeared this morning with tidings of great joy, to a crowd of shoppers who were waiting in the parking lot for the opening of Wal-Mart. What might have been a wonderful, unprecedented miracle of happiness and celebration ended tragically when the front doors to the store were opened and the famed Savior of the world was trampled in the mad rush to obtain a hard-to-find set of Yu-Gi-Oh! cards.
"I heard on the radio yesterday that this Wal-Mart was one of the last places in the state that still had this set of Yu-Gi-Oh! cards left in stock," said shopper Shandra Locke, 35, as she held up the prized pack she had just bought. As she wiped the blood of Christ off of her Italian leather shoes she almost showed remorse concerning the incident.
"I'm awfully sorry about steam rolling Jesus, but little Jordan is just going to LOVE this present."
Witnesses say Jesus appeared before the astonished crowd and began to say something about wishing everyone joy, hope and love. But before he could finish his profound message Jack Hogan, the store manager, apparently unaware of the appearance of the Lord, unlocked and opened the front door to the store.
"At first we were all like, 'Oh my God! It's Jesus'." reports shopper Mitch Llewelyn. "The woman next to me said, 'He so beautiful!' Then the doors opened. We all paused for a minute, but, well, he didn't get out of the way."
Store Manager Hogan would not answer any questions instead pointing reporters in the direction of Wal-Mart's national public relations office.
The Messiah was unavailable for comment, but witnesses say he miraculously seemed to sustain only cuts and bruises. He apparently stood up bloodied and confused after being trampled and then simply disappeared.