Confession #2... I have bad motives. Well, not even bad motives always, but definitely wrong motives. Bad connotates 'evil', and while occasionally my motives are selfish, (which would be sinful), sometimes they are 'good' motives, but not right motives. Have I thoroughly confused you yet? Let me explain.
Over the past few days I've been trying to get gut-level honest with myself in my motivation for many of my prayers that I feel have been unanswered. One example of this would be my prayer about our insurance situation. Our situation is this...we have none, and haven't for the past almost 2 years since Todd stopped working full time at H2O. We've been praying that God would provide some way for us to have insurance. In and of itself that is not bad, but here's where my motive is wrong. Why does this lack of insurance stress us out so much? Fear. My prayers for insurance are driven by fear. Fear that something will happen and we will not be able to pay the necessary medical expenses. Isn't it strange how I can ask God, and believe for, him to provide INSURANCE, but I don't have the same kind of faith for health, safety or provision?
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying insurance is bad, or that I wouldn't take it if I had the opportunity. But maybe God will not let me have that luxury until I'm settled within that HE is my source, no matter what. (I'm also realizing that we, especially in America, really don't have a good concept of the difference between something that is a need or simply an added blessing in our lives; but that's another topic altogether). I'm also not saying we should purposely live in unwise ways or recklessly. I know all the conventional wisdom for situations like these. However, at the same time, I think there are certain things specific to Todd & I, and the way God is working in our lives, that he is using because he has a much bigger goal in mind than our temporal comfort. It's not that I don't think God wants us to live happy, comfortable lives...I just think he is less concerned about that and more concerned about our relationship with him. He wants a deep, trusting love relationship; not a shallow, good-as-long-as-I-get-blessed relationship. Huge difference. I've too often lived in the latter...and he's kicking me out and saying "time to move on"!