I've typed and deleted this post several times. It's been several days since I posted, and while I love blogging (both reading and writing aspects), I've been avoiding mine because I didn't feel like I had much good to say, and don't want to be a public whiner. At the same time, however, I just read a blog of a pastor who talked about being real about who he is and the struggles he goes through, and how many people have been encouraged by that. He talked about the need to tear down the mindset of church leaders on pedestals. While I don't think I'm on a pedestal for anyone, I do think there is something to be said about not stirring up complaining or dissension. (I just have been being hit hard by the story of the Israelites in Numbers 12-14 and how harshly God dealt with complaining and the spies that spread the bad report). So I've just been quietly trying to deal with my inner 'angst'. Today I've decided that there might be some 'middle ground' where I can share bits of my struggle without being a stumbling block for others.
First of all, we're in the middle of a corporate fast at Koinonia House. I freely admit that I do NOT enjoy fasting, and am really not good at it. There, I've said it. This week, my resolve has not been strong; I find myself playing mind games about what I will 'allow' myself...what's 'cheating', what's not... OH PLEASE!! This is a fast, not a game of some kind where I earn points with God if I'm able to 'hold out' and lose points if I 'cave'. The point is to heighten my spiritual senses, so to speak, to better discern what God is doing and saying, and how I can better follow Him. In the beginning of the week, Todd & I would have discussions about whether or not we felt God saying anything; did we have any direction, revelation... Each time my response was the same. NOTHING. Nada. Until last night, in the midst of a small fit of anger, I realized "Wait a minute!! THIS is what God's doing! He's exposing all my ugly, fleshly junk that I occasionally think is gone (or at least effectively under wraps)." Well, THAT'S no fun!! If I'm going to fast, I want answers, direction, miracles! You know, some nice, 'spiritual experience' that makes me feel warm and fuzzy!! Nope...not gonna happen. God's doing some deep digging this time, and I am NOT enjoying it. But it does help to know that something is going on...even if it's not the 'something' I'd like it to be!!
Don't you hate when you get all excited about what God's doing, and then everything seems to get worse?!?!?